Regret

I haven't been on MySpace in close to six months. I made the mistake of doing so today. I somehow ended up (NOT on purpose) at my ex-boyfriend's page. The thought-about-marriage-and-kids-and-the-future ex-boyfriend. Then I had pangs. I miss him.  

Not THAT kind of miss.

I realized while we were dating that we'd probably never work out in the end since I didn't love him like a girlfriend should, something I didn't realize until he'd fallen for me, but he made me feel safe and he was a wonderful boyfriend, attentive and caring and put me on an impossibly high pedestal I didn't deserve. He did all of the random cutesy things boyfriends think they're suppose to do but ever actually get around to doing: bring me flowers, buy me presents, he even serenaded me once.  

Although I loved him, (yes I'm aware I contradicted myself) I felt we were better served as friends than anything else. He didn't understand me enough. He wanted to uproot me and move me to California, something I swore I'd never do. It was a choice he forced me to make, and I wasn't going to choose him over my family...we had a hard time with the breakup so we didn't speak for close to a year. Eventually he became one of my best friends. Until he met his fiancée. She refuses to 'let' him talk to any of his old friends, and even his family. She's completely cut him off from everyone he used to care about. The trade in: he's now a kept man. I miss the friend I had in him.  

But that's it.  

I have a wonderfully perfect boyfriend who's real, down to earth and loves me. We have similar interests but still are very different people. I love him so much. He doesn't try to be the cookie cutter boyfriend that he thinks women expect.  I had a lot of ideals growing up regarding relationships. How we met, how he tells me he loves me for the first time, first kiss, and other such important milestones. B doesn't conform to standards and ideals, I thought I wouldn't like it, he makes it fun and interesting. He's himself and that's what I love about him.  

B and I just made 8 months, and I still get the same butterflies I got when we first started dating. True Love is something I've never believed in. I believe love is a solid foundation, that a couple has to work at a relationship, hard, to make it and two people have to be compatible on the most basic and complex levels, at the same time...I know this love is different, very different from the other feelings I've experienced with past boyfriends, and those didn't last. I was always the one that lost interest after a few weeks or a couple of months. I've never been in a relationship where I feel so vulnerable to being hurt, and I've never, ever been the jealous type. I am now. I'm also ready to move to the mainland to be with B, and he's worth it.  

So what do I regret?  

Going to ex-boyfriend's MySpace in the first place.